Mixed emotions

WARNING:  Long post!

Tomorrow is the day.  I will be arriving at Loyola at 5:30AM and surgery is scheduled for 7:30AM.  I have mixed emotions about the entire situation.  While I am glad to say good bye to Trudy once and for all and begin my journey to normalcy again, I am dreading how I am going to feel.  “You will feel like you got hit by a truck,” one neurosurgeon told me.  That was awful to hear, but I kind of appreciated his blunt honesty.  I just have to hope all goes well and after a few extremely tiring and painful days I will be on the mend.

My biggest fear is how I will feel after waking up after the anesthesia.  After the shunt surgery, I did NOT like how I felt one bit.  I was taken to get a CT scan and x-rays right away.  I felt like they were wheeling me through the hospital in that bed at a speed of 90 MPH.  I did not get sick, but I was only under anesthesia for about two hours.  This time?  I will be under anesthesia for 6-12 hours, so scary.  I need to have a good talk with my doctor about that.  If they put me in that claustrophobia trap also known as an MRI machine when I’m “sleeping,” all hell will break loose I swear….

The hardest part tonight is knowing how great and typical (besides dizziness) that I feel right now.  I have had a pretty good and normal day.  I cleaned my room (for all you soon-to-be visitors!), showered, was mobile, spent time with Nora, ate normally, and could see straight.  Then tomorrow I’m expecting severe pain, no appetite, nausea, irritability, no mobility, drowsiness, etc. (enter in any bad condition, b/c that’s what I’m expecting).  It’s just really hard to wrap my tumor head around; it’s the strangest feeling.

I’m scared/nervous/extremely anxious (oops those all mean the same thing; that was redundant!), I hate it!  It’s almost as if I don’t want this surgery just because I hate change and fearing the unknown.  Then I talk to anyone and they’re like, “Kelly, are you kidding me?  This needs to be done!  Trudy could make you go blind if you wait any longer.  Don’t you want to feel normal again!?”  Thanks to you all for knocking some sense into me.  I can’t think straight and I think I have a pretty good excuse, so sorry for my insane thoughts.  Thanks for dealing with me (and/or Trudy).  I blame Trudy for all my problems.  Please feel free to use her as an excuse for your problems too, that biatch.

I’ll end on a high note, though!  I am 100% confident in my doctors and am hopeful for a speedy recovery.  I cannot wait until I’m back on my feet being my annoying, obnoxious, strange, and humorous self!  You will all know when I’m feeling better, I’m sure!  I am truly blessed to have the best family and friends around and I thank you all for helping through this inTRUDing time (good one, eh)?  Last but not least, today I received the most hilarious of all emails from my living angel who found me these doctors, Chris Lischett.   How hilarious is she?!  I beyond love this (does that sentence even make sense?  Ugh, Trudy).  Bye, bye, Trudy is right!

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P.S. Do you think my doctors will think I’m crazy if ask them to take a picture of Trudy?  I’m really interested in seeing what this fat ass tumor looks like!

P.S.S. Thank God that royal baby was finally born!  I think my first question outta surgery would’ve been like, “so what’d they have?”  My doctors would be like, “wow, really?  This girl is ridiculous!”

P.S.S.S.  Feel free to call or text my family for updates.  My phone will be turned off as soon as I get to the hospital.  A lot of you have been asking about visiting too.  I am thinking I might not want any visitors while I’m recovering in the ICU because I am going to be SO out of it and probably look and feel like complete shit (sorry for the language, young cousins reading this).  The best way to find out about visiting or how I’m feeling is through my family.  They will be in direct contact with me.  I am hoping to recover well (like I did with the shunt) and moved to a normal room in a few days.  I think I will be ready for visitors then.  AGAIN, THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR PRAYERS, KIND WORDS, AND POSITIVE THOUGHTS.  You are the BEST!  PEACE OUT, TRUDY YOU RUDE TUMOR, YOU!

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8 thoughts on “Mixed emotions

  1. You are an inspiration Kelly! Your attitude is so admirable.. I want to be you when I grow up. Love to you and your family. Prayers and only good and positive thoughts. Kay

  2. You have had such WONDERFUL people around you! It’s incredible! People are incredible! Love you! Love you! Love you!!! Now let’s get Trudy out and Goo back to normal!

  3. We will NOT miss you Trudy and we are already planning summer 2014 without you!!! Kel, you are one of the strongest people we know and we will be sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way tomorrow and in the weeks to come. Let us know when you are up for visitors!!
    Love you so much!
    Love The Krams’

  4. Kelly, you have never been and never will be humorless. I envy you your wonderful attitude on Trudy the Intruder. As I said before, I would have been curled up in a fetal ball since the diagnosis. Bless you.

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